A long story with a great ending
So it’s been a 24 hours since my last post. I was so enraged I could hardly stand. Let’s just catch up.
1. while I was at work my daughter used one of her earned freedoms to run away again.
2. My ex went out looking for her and in the end one of Tori’s friends brought her home to her moms.
3. Karin then caved in and said Tori was not going to be brought back over.
So the number one problem of my daughter using drama to control my Ex was well on it’s way to returning.
Now lets flash back 15 years I had a nephew who was in a bad place. Growing up with a disconnected father and a divorced mother who let him drink and party all he wanted her was not only on the brink of failing High school he was on the brink of going to jail.
I convinced my father that we had to step in and we did. We moved him and we both worked together on helping DJ. For the first time in his life he figured out he was way smart enough and he managed to get good grades and graduate.
I still remember the hug I got from him after he graduated, it was awesome.
He moved back with his mother and in the end he started down the dark spiral. The next thing I knew her was in jail. When he got out he bounced around for a while. Into drugs then out. I pulled a couple of rescues when he was down and wanted back out.
Years ago he got clean and he stayed clean. He has been amazing in his long term recovery. He is now a man I respect now and he is solid gold in my book.
Ok back to last night. I’m sitting at home so freaking mad. I’m weighing never talking to my ex-wife or daughter just because I don’t want to go down the same path again. I don’t want to play a role in the drama cycle.
Then out of no place my nephew calls and says he and Tori are talking. Well I feel better knowing that he is talking to her. I still went to sleeping knowing that I would not be seeing my daughter for a long while
Then at midnight I wake up and my daughter is home? She looks at me and says “I’m back dad I want to go back to school.” I was floored. The Drama cycle has never been broken especially by my Daughter and now here right in front of me is my daughter breaking it.
Wow! my nephew that I helped came to my help. He helped Tori write things out and decide. I went through the day stunned. I knew my daughter was in school. I knew she would be safe. She was home in her room doing homework how cool is that.
I still find it almost impossible to talk with my EX but for now I will take a deep breath and just do another day with my daughter.
Oh and thanks to my Neph
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The end of the line
So Tori Ran away again.
She went to my exwife who 100% has backed off the plan.
She has betrayed everything I have worked for and in the end she gets to cast me in the roll of monster. OH THAT BAD DAD DID THAT!!!!!
My daughter who has paved her way through life creating misery then getting her way did it and my ex has fallen for it.
Why did I do anything?
I should have just sat back and laughed when she called me having trouble with Tori. I should have said see what you get for always letter her have her way. Hell I should have given money to Tori so she could run away.
No I fought, I did the hardest thing I have ever done because of what she said.
No she is taking the easy path.
I am officially done as ex-husband and father.
They can go fucking jump in a bucket and what ever happens now I want no part of it.
I cannot even put into words the rage that burns inside me now.
I cannot dare see them.
Especially Karin, how can I ever forgive making me the monster so she can have the easy way.
FUCK all of them.
She went to my exwife who 100% has backed off the plan.
She has betrayed everything I have worked for and in the end she gets to cast me in the roll of monster. OH THAT BAD DAD DID THAT!!!!!
My daughter who has paved her way through life creating misery then getting her way did it and my ex has fallen for it.
Why did I do anything?
I should have just sat back and laughed when she called me having trouble with Tori. I should have said see what you get for always letter her have her way. Hell I should have given money to Tori so she could run away.
No I fought, I did the hardest thing I have ever done because of what she said.
No she is taking the easy path.
I am officially done as ex-husband and father.
They can go fucking jump in a bucket and what ever happens now I want no part of it.
I cannot even put into words the rage that burns inside me now.
I cannot dare see them.
Especially Karin, how can I ever forgive making me the monster so she can have the easy way.
FUCK all of them.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
all hail the exwife
Ex-wife the the rescue
Well today was the last of the extra time off from work for me. Karin showed up and we did some shopping with Tori. She was for the first time I think in her teenage life excited to be shopping. Karin and I had a long talk and she is still on board but she is not the toughest person so keep your finger crossed. I think she will be ok with thing as long as there is progress.
now for Tori, I think the hardest thing for any parent to try to figure out is when and if their child is not telling them the truth. They can be such angels and look you in the eye and say all the right things. The only thing I can think of to fight this is layers of safeguards and tests. Bit by bit she will earn back her freedom. Only this time we have an agreed upon focus.
Family, work, school, physical activity, Education, reading and focused writing. All these things when all these are at the center of her life she may been close to the end. once she starts to live and work with those core values her life will get nothing but better.
I do not want her falling in with the same crowd. Having lots to do and school will (I hope) mean she will not have time to fall back into the same old habits, with the same old people, doing the same old bad shit.
It's screwed up that the parents of one of the drop outs she has been hanging with called and sounded as if TORI should be free to see her son. I told him right up I did not see that happening. That boy is not my concern and as hard as it is on him it is really his parents that should be working with him.
My job is working with my daughter as best as I can.
her progress today was limited but we did discuss one thing and that was her almost submersion into this group that she was hanging with. She started sounding like them, talking like them, she had affectations like them she could not talk without saying um, uh or you know. Now since most of you don't know me that has been something my daughter stopped in the fourth grade.
Now I can't for the life of me see why she would do this. The only thing I could see is that Tori has a strong mothering complex and all these other youths were younger and troubled and she was like a den mother to all of them. They gave her love and she played mom to all of them. Needed and loved.
I hope for her sake the words she speaks are true. Otherwise she is going to spend a long long time in that room.
I would rate today a 6 over all. Thats way up from the 1's and 2's when she first came here
Well today was the last of the extra time off from work for me. Karin showed up and we did some shopping with Tori. She was for the first time I think in her teenage life excited to be shopping. Karin and I had a long talk and she is still on board but she is not the toughest person so keep your finger crossed. I think she will be ok with thing as long as there is progress.
now for Tori, I think the hardest thing for any parent to try to figure out is when and if their child is not telling them the truth. They can be such angels and look you in the eye and say all the right things. The only thing I can think of to fight this is layers of safeguards and tests. Bit by bit she will earn back her freedom. Only this time we have an agreed upon focus.
Family, work, school, physical activity, Education, reading and focused writing. All these things when all these are at the center of her life she may been close to the end. once she starts to live and work with those core values her life will get nothing but better.
I do not want her falling in with the same crowd. Having lots to do and school will (I hope) mean she will not have time to fall back into the same old habits, with the same old people, doing the same old bad shit.
It's screwed up that the parents of one of the drop outs she has been hanging with called and sounded as if TORI should be free to see her son. I told him right up I did not see that happening. That boy is not my concern and as hard as it is on him it is really his parents that should be working with him.
My job is working with my daughter as best as I can.
her progress today was limited but we did discuss one thing and that was her almost submersion into this group that she was hanging with. She started sounding like them, talking like them, she had affectations like them she could not talk without saying um, uh or you know. Now since most of you don't know me that has been something my daughter stopped in the fourth grade.
Now I can't for the life of me see why she would do this. The only thing I could see is that Tori has a strong mothering complex and all these other youths were younger and troubled and she was like a den mother to all of them. They gave her love and she played mom to all of them. Needed and loved.
I hope for her sake the words she speaks are true. Otherwise she is going to spend a long long time in that room.
I would rate today a 6 over all. Thats way up from the 1's and 2's when she first came here
Friday, November 7, 2008
A great day
wow today headway was made. I was able to get Tori to work out some of the issue that keep popping up between her and me and he and her mom. I saw the freaking light go on in her head. How is that for cool.
Today I brought her home work from school the biggest book I could find at a bookstore for something to do and the one thing that made her so excited she could dance and sing. A pen. I asked her if she was ever in her life so excited to get a pen. She jumped up and down and said no.
Now I know that some of it is put on, hell it could be all of it. I know it is going to be hard for her if she is 100% real because stuff is going to come back to her too slow. She still thinks some place in the back of her head that all she has to do is weather the storm. I assured her that it was not true.
I'm beat. Come this morning my Ex-wife is coming over to have a go at daughter management. I'm very very happy. I need the break to clean in my bedroom and get ready for going back to work.
I can see that the pressure is easing off of her now. She knows that living like she does in her one room. Nothing can get to her. All those problems and items she thought were so important are gone and yet she is alive and well.
They say you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Well I have tied Tori to the tough. Sooner or latter, even if pretending to now she is going to have to drink that water. I'm never going to surrender, I'm never going to give up. My daughters life is way too valuable for that.
I wish I could tell her how proud I am of her but I feel she feeds on that too much and she uses that kind of support to try to wedge more things into her world. I told her she has exceeded my expectations for the day and left it at that.
So much to do and so little time.
Here is to all of you for standing by me.
Cheers---
Small Victory
YES...
She is sleeping well. One thing about being in a room with nothing to do you get a lot of sleep in. I think the lack of sleep was really hurting her. She was up late with friends on line or texting. She was pretending to go to school during the day (when she was pretending to be sick) Add to this the party/hangout seen on the weekends and the drugs and well she was not getting enough sleep.
I think also there was an element of her body getting clean. I don't know how addicted to drugs or alcohol she was but it is clear to me now that the first two days carried an element of anxious nerves that is missing today.
This first week I think is really the testing period of how things are going to go. I have to stay strong and establish the guidelines. She has to earn to get. No more tears, no more silent treatment.
I so love my daughter. I see her and my heart just breaks. Every time I slide the lock shut on that door and I know she is inside my heart breaks a little. I also know that it is within her grasp to earn her way out. The ball is in her court but she has no idea how much I want her to get out. No parent wants their kid in a prison.
On the flip side no parent wants their kid out of control either. No one wants their kid coming home with a huge bite mark and bruises where some one has held them down. No one wants to see their child decide that they will just give up on school. No one wants their kid to be arrested and blow it off like its nothing.
Next step is establish order. Work outs, food times, chores, study time. Lucky Karin called the school. They are going to treat this like she is ill so we are getting a load of home work. I'm happy about that. She will be able to rescue some credits and bring some order to her life.
Ok that's enough for now
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Letter to my exwife
Dear Karin
Well I think that we have to remember that Tori is still at the very start of the starting line. Tonight I think I saw something in Tori that proved to me that she is just playing along right now. When she figured out that she sort of blew it then she reverted back to the cry and ask for a change. I thought we were going to go back down the same old path so I left the room. The second I stepped away she stopped crying.
I knew things were not progressing as fast as she was letting on. So I kept my eye out. She is coming to grips with the fact that she has to earn everything back. She keeps pushing me on a time line and goals as in how long until I can talk to my friends. (For this read Collin) I told her I don’t have a big chart with everything on it. It’s more then just saying the right thing and being nice.
So here is the angle she is playing right now so you can be ready for it. She is going to say she misses you and she will cry it out. I said nothing but inside I knew this was just another way of using drama to change the game.
Now it’s flattering to assume she is missing you. Is also playing on us as parents I mean how can I keep her from her mom (as if) but if this was true why didn’t she listen to you when she was there, why was she yelling at you and why was she running away if she needs you so much. Why was she treating you like shit and not listening. I did not argue but the die was cast and she saw that I saw the flaw in her statement. I did not say a thing or challenge her I just left.
So she’s doing what any kid should be doing and that is trying to fight their way out and around the rules. When there was no way around she used the same old strategy of cry and push emotional buttons.
So we know she is still in stage one here.
Just wanted you to be ready for the following.
1. When will I have X
2. I miss you
3. Crying
Well the fact is she does miss you. What daughter wouldn’t but she really misses the control more.
Be ready.
Her lament of the night "How come Colin needs all the help and no one will help him. Everyone wants to help me and don't need it"
Ok well good night
Well I think that we have to remember that Tori is still at the very start of the starting line. Tonight I think I saw something in Tori that proved to me that she is just playing along right now. When she figured out that she sort of blew it then she reverted back to the cry and ask for a change. I thought we were going to go back down the same old path so I left the room. The second I stepped away she stopped crying.
I knew things were not progressing as fast as she was letting on. So I kept my eye out. She is coming to grips with the fact that she has to earn everything back. She keeps pushing me on a time line and goals as in how long until I can talk to my friends. (For this read Collin) I told her I don’t have a big chart with everything on it. It’s more then just saying the right thing and being nice.
So here is the angle she is playing right now so you can be ready for it. She is going to say she misses you and she will cry it out. I said nothing but inside I knew this was just another way of using drama to change the game.
Now it’s flattering to assume she is missing you. Is also playing on us as parents I mean how can I keep her from her mom (as if) but if this was true why didn’t she listen to you when she was there, why was she yelling at you and why was she running away if she needs you so much. Why was she treating you like shit and not listening. I did not argue but the die was cast and she saw that I saw the flaw in her statement. I did not say a thing or challenge her I just left.
So she’s doing what any kid should be doing and that is trying to fight their way out and around the rules. When there was no way around she used the same old strategy of cry and push emotional buttons.
So we know she is still in stage one here.
Just wanted you to be ready for the following.
1. When will I have X
2. I miss you
3. Crying
Well the fact is she does miss you. What daughter wouldn’t but she really misses the control more.
Be ready.
Her lament of the night "How come Colin needs all the help and no one will help him. Everyone wants to help me and don't need it"
Ok well good night
Just Another Day
It’s amazing how many back seat parents there are willing to give you good advice once the hard stuff is done. They were not around when this started, they do not know the facts and they do not know my daughter but boy or boy do they have lots of advice.
My goal right now is one day at a time. My daughter is earning back her freedoms on item at a time. For doing well last night and yester day she got a clock. For doing good today and not causing problems she has won a chair and table. So we have clock, chair, table and bed.
She is smiling and talking more openly. I feel that part of that is because she knows that is what I usually look for but to be honest this talking and loving approach is something she knows too well and we always end up in the same spot or further down the dark spiral.
I feel to arrest this spiral I have to stop using the measuring stick you use with a person who is not having issues. Usually communication and openness is something you look for but she knows that. What I’m looking for is compliance and effort. When I see her putting in effort to follow the rules then she can earn something more.
Just talking and saying the right things is not going to work. I love you and soft batting eye looks will not work. This is not my daughter with a problem; this is a person with a problem. I can have empathy but I will not feed the sympathy engine that fuels this entire cycle again.
My number one goal.
My daughter is strong enough to stand up and say who and what she is without having to lie to her mom and dad and family.
Now yes safety and all sorts of other things are important but if I have my number one goal I will at least have a fighting chance at helping or directing her where to get help for issues that develop.
The downward spiral starts when there are two sides to a person. I believe that at first the two sides develops as a shell and at first it allows the two sides to exists. So a girl can be a church going angle at home and a party going, girl’s gone wild heavy drinker with her friends. To some the shell that allows this has it’s own mass and sooner or later it is the weight of this shell, this duality that starts to subtly exert it’s own pull. It also starts to limit communications and keeps you apart from those who love you. What started as a tool becomes a prison and it’s weight slowly, unseen by the user of the shell pulls you downward in the spiral.
Guilt, shame, silence feeds the shell and it grows and pulls you farther down. Until you are the shell and you do not even know it. How much like drugs this shell is. It is a tool to feel good and keep your life in order. Then over time you need the shell. Then you can’t live without it. Then you are nothing without it and finally you cannot imagine a world without it.
It is the first gateway drug, not pot, or drinking it is the shell one erects to separate the world they belong to from the world they are falling into.
Breaking the shell is not easy. Breaking the shell does not insure success but if you do not break the shell then you have accomplished nothing. The shell has it’s own gravity and given time it will pull more and more life elements to it and start the growth again.
Fibs, turn to white lies, white lies turn to deception, deception turns to victimization.
I’m no shrink and I’m sure Tori will see a professional but I’m trying to do the best I can.
I only hope it is enough.
My goal right now is one day at a time. My daughter is earning back her freedoms on item at a time. For doing well last night and yester day she got a clock. For doing good today and not causing problems she has won a chair and table. So we have clock, chair, table and bed.
She is smiling and talking more openly. I feel that part of that is because she knows that is what I usually look for but to be honest this talking and loving approach is something she knows too well and we always end up in the same spot or further down the dark spiral.
I feel to arrest this spiral I have to stop using the measuring stick you use with a person who is not having issues. Usually communication and openness is something you look for but she knows that. What I’m looking for is compliance and effort. When I see her putting in effort to follow the rules then she can earn something more.
Just talking and saying the right things is not going to work. I love you and soft batting eye looks will not work. This is not my daughter with a problem; this is a person with a problem. I can have empathy but I will not feed the sympathy engine that fuels this entire cycle again.
My number one goal.
My daughter is strong enough to stand up and say who and what she is without having to lie to her mom and dad and family.
Now yes safety and all sorts of other things are important but if I have my number one goal I will at least have a fighting chance at helping or directing her where to get help for issues that develop.
The downward spiral starts when there are two sides to a person. I believe that at first the two sides develops as a shell and at first it allows the two sides to exists. So a girl can be a church going angle at home and a party going, girl’s gone wild heavy drinker with her friends. To some the shell that allows this has it’s own mass and sooner or later it is the weight of this shell, this duality that starts to subtly exert it’s own pull. It also starts to limit communications and keeps you apart from those who love you. What started as a tool becomes a prison and it’s weight slowly, unseen by the user of the shell pulls you downward in the spiral.
Guilt, shame, silence feeds the shell and it grows and pulls you farther down. Until you are the shell and you do not even know it. How much like drugs this shell is. It is a tool to feel good and keep your life in order. Then over time you need the shell. Then you can’t live without it. Then you are nothing without it and finally you cannot imagine a world without it.
It is the first gateway drug, not pot, or drinking it is the shell one erects to separate the world they belong to from the world they are falling into.
Breaking the shell is not easy. Breaking the shell does not insure success but if you do not break the shell then you have accomplished nothing. The shell has it’s own gravity and given time it will pull more and more life elements to it and start the growth again.
Fibs, turn to white lies, white lies turn to deception, deception turns to victimization.
I’m no shrink and I’m sure Tori will see a professional but I’m trying to do the best I can.
I only hope it is enough.
WE MADE IT
Well last night went ok. I have to go to work today for this dang training class. We have one every year at Tri-met and its all about our career development... well that's it's name its really should be called. What you are going to have to put up with for the next year.
My parents are here so Tori will be looked after. I have told her that there is no lashing out at my parents and that my parents will call the police if she strikes them in any way.
Ok so she can start earning things as of today.
Putting up two rules.
1. We will not base our decision on Tori Drama: Tori will manipulate any situation by creating drama and issues leaving you no choice but to give in to her. This will not happen again.
2. No negotiation except in preparation: Tori is master of the calling you from a friends to tell you what she is going to do. She changes all agreements forcing you to come get her or create a big show.
two simple changes that she will have to life with from now on.
Well I'm getting ready to shove off to work. Wish me well.
If today goes well then it is a load off my shoulders.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
last post for the first 24 hours
well I made it. lots of tears and yelling but here we are 24 hours latter. I'm laying on the floor outside her room. I think I will be here many more nights to come. Though the outside rage is gone she is trying to figure out what is the criteria she has to meet to get out of this deal.
I fear that she does not grasp how far reaching this is going to be.
she is obsessed with her friends and seem to want to submerge her life in their misery and they eat it up. She does not think they will survive without her. Breaking this need to be needed by these guys who are on parol, runaways or drugged out doofballs is something I cannot fathom but it is something I can fight.
so sleepy now.
I'm Lucky To Have My Ex-wife and my family
I know it seems strange to say that. We have been divorced for 15 years but I have to sing her praises to the sky. Karin was such a trooper when things went down. I knew how hard it was for her, hell it was hard for me to have to wrestle my daughter into the car, but for her it was hell.
We took and oath to always worth together when it comes to our daughter and we always have. We never once let he play one against the other. No matter how much we were at odds, about our daughter we always presented a single strong front.
Karin backed me 100% of the way. She stayed strong and even now that the battle is over and we have our daughter back and isolated, when doubt is at it's strongest we she is there to help me and I am there for her.
I feel like I'm walking around today in a fog. I feel like I'm drained and empty and so does Karin. The only thing that keeps us going is the love of out daughter and the oath we made to always be together on team Tori.
Thank you Karin.
What we could not achieve being married we have more then made up being parents.
No one but you, could do.
When my nephew was having troubles in his youth I was always there for him. I helped him as much as I could and I made sure I got him through high school. DJ made it. It was touch and he made some mistakes that he paid for but he is a fine man right now. He helps people get of of drugs and alcohol and he is there for my daughter.
Tori loves DJ. He loves her and he is going to help me through this.
DJ is my hero
The Morning After
The Morning After
The morning after the day you ran away and you were found.
The morning after I had to absorb you hits, bite, curses, lies, spitting and kicking.
The morning after I and your mom had to take you to my house and put you in an empty room and lock the door.
The morning after I slept on the floor, right outside the door that held you.
The morning after and my arms are scared and bloody from the night before.
The morning after my ex-wife and I united to save our one and only daughter.
The morning after I watched text message after text message roll in to your cell phone from boys promising you drugs, alcohol and fun if only you would talk to them.
Yes this is the morning after all that but it is also the first day of getting clean. This is the first day that you see that I would suffer all that to keep you safe. This is the first day of many to come where you will be safe. This is the first day that it will be ok to be a 16 girl.
Someplace in that tangle of rage and darkness is the young woman that my daughter turned into.
I hope to meet her some day.
I hope to hug her with tears as happy as the sad ones I shed.
Here's to hope.
-Your loving Dan
I know you don't know that Tori, I know you don't feel that right now but let's hope you do after all is said and done, lets hope you do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
