It’s amazing how many back seat parents there are willing to give you good advice once the hard stuff is done. They were not around when this started, they do not know the facts and they do not know my daughter but boy or boy do they have lots of advice.
My goal right now is one day at a time. My daughter is earning back her freedoms on item at a time. For doing well last night and yester day she got a clock. For doing good today and not causing problems she has won a chair and table. So we have clock, chair, table and bed.
She is smiling and talking more openly. I feel that part of that is because she knows that is what I usually look for but to be honest this talking and loving approach is something she knows too well and we always end up in the same spot or further down the dark spiral.
I feel to arrest this spiral I have to stop using the measuring stick you use with a person who is not having issues. Usually communication and openness is something you look for but she knows that. What I’m looking for is compliance and effort. When I see her putting in effort to follow the rules then she can earn something more.
Just talking and saying the right things is not going to work. I love you and soft batting eye looks will not work. This is not my daughter with a problem; this is a person with a problem. I can have empathy but I will not feed the sympathy engine that fuels this entire cycle again.
My number one goal.
My daughter is strong enough to stand up and say who and what she is without having to lie to her mom and dad and family.
Now yes safety and all sorts of other things are important but if I have my number one goal I will at least have a fighting chance at helping or directing her where to get help for issues that develop.
The downward spiral starts when there are two sides to a person. I believe that at first the two sides develops as a shell and at first it allows the two sides to exists. So a girl can be a church going angle at home and a party going, girl’s gone wild heavy drinker with her friends. To some the shell that allows this has it’s own mass and sooner or later it is the weight of this shell, this duality that starts to subtly exert it’s own pull. It also starts to limit communications and keeps you apart from those who love you. What started as a tool becomes a prison and it’s weight slowly, unseen by the user of the shell pulls you downward in the spiral.
Guilt, shame, silence feeds the shell and it grows and pulls you farther down. Until you are the shell and you do not even know it. How much like drugs this shell is. It is a tool to feel good and keep your life in order. Then over time you need the shell. Then you can’t live without it. Then you are nothing without it and finally you cannot imagine a world without it.
It is the first gateway drug, not pot, or drinking it is the shell one erects to separate the world they belong to from the world they are falling into.
Breaking the shell is not easy. Breaking the shell does not insure success but if you do not break the shell then you have accomplished nothing. The shell has it’s own gravity and given time it will pull more and more life elements to it and start the growth again.
Fibs, turn to white lies, white lies turn to deception, deception turns to victimization.
I’m no shrink and I’m sure Tori will see a professional but I’m trying to do the best I can.
I only hope it is enough.
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2 comments:
After having gone through life with alcoholics, I really feel for you. When the smiles and nice words come out, I always catch myself wanting to believe. It's a struggle to remember that often you're hearing the drug/alcohol or the want of them speaking, instead of the person you once knew.
My cousin recently had a crisis at home. I don't know many of the details, but she ran away a few times. On her 18th b'day a few weeks ago, she married her boyfriend. He's now hitting her, and she's refusing to press charges. We just found out she's pregnant. Her father didn't deal with whatever was causing her to run away, aside from lecturing her. It really hurts to see her doing this.
I'm so glad you're being proactive about this. I hope you find your way to the truth and help her regain herself.
Good analysis. Remember to check in with your resources (lyn) from time to time (not me, I'm just the muscle in this scenario:).
Make sure you are eating and sleeping too, tovarish. Love ya!
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